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Susan Boyle appeared on Britain’s Got Talent on TV in the UK. A 47 year old from Scotland, she walked on stage with a look that has since been described by consensus as ‘dowdy’.

She did a wiggle for the judges and announced in her broad Scottish accent that she wanted to be famous singer like Elaine Paige. The judges rolled their eyes and told her to start. The opening strains of ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ from Les Miserables rang out, and then Susan opened her mouth to sing…

The judges dropped their jaws to the floor, and the audience rose to their feet as a musical theatre voice came out that just did not sit with the image and expectation. Judge Amanda Holden summed it up when she said that everyone had been cynical about what they had expected.

I love that kind of moment, (I also love the show having had women hold my hand and cry next to me in their seat).

The clip has now had 100 million hits on YouTube, and Susan has seen her fame spread over the water to the US, where she’s found herself on TV with Patti Lupone who made the song famous originally. Elaine Paige has suggested a duet.

So why is it such a feelgood factor? Popular media opinion seems to be that it combined a heap of emotions in a small time span – from dismissal, to joy, to guilt, to pleasure. Some say, similar to judge Holden that it shows a different way to go than cynicism.

While they may be true, I like to think of it as simple goal achievement, seemingly unlikely. ‘Seemingly’ is the key word, because although the audience on the night and on tv were expecting Susan to fail, Susan wasn’t – in fact a key moment is where the judges told her that everyone was against her. You can just see Susan’s quizzical look, because she could see no reason for people to have been laughing at her.

She had a voice coach, and lots of training, putting in the hours of work needed to go for a goal. She was using the encouragement of her late mother as inspiration to enter, so although she may have been overwhelmed by the strength of reaction, she knew she could sing.

So yes, there is the principle of not judging a book by its’ cover, and of not being so quick with the cynical sneers, but I think the reason the world has gone crazy for Susan Boyle is that it shows what we know deep down to be true – that hard work and taking action can lead to amazing results.
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I began reading the book after my mother passed away because I realized that on her side of the family a lot of division has occurred because of hurtful words and words left unsaid. And, for years, I felt unwanted and unloved by her side of the family…as though I didn’t fit in and wasn’t truly a part of the family…and now that she’s gone, I feel like the connection I had to her side of the family is gone, as well.

While I realize the only person I can change is me…the way I think about others, the way I react to their words or lack of words, and how I choose my words when I speak to them…I am hoping that as I begin to process things differently, my actions and words will also change our relationships-for the better.

There’s a lot of good advice given in Words That Hurt, Words That Heal. And the advice is always preluded or followed by stories that really bring his point home.

Mr. Teluskin believes that we were conditioned as children, to speak a certain way to and about others, but if that conditioning is negatively done, it can cause a lot of hardships in relationships. But don’t fret, it can be unlearned.

The first thing he suggests is that we monitor our self-talk, without trying to be a better person, and really take a hard look at what we do or don’t say to others.

He says to note every time we:

• Say something negative about a person that is not in our presence.• Grossly exaggerate the wrong(s) done to us by another person.• Criticize others with harsh and offensive words.• Argue using the words, “you always” or “you never.”• Belittle or humiliate someone else.

He says the above is not ethical speaking. That ethical speech is “speaking fairly of others, honestly about ourselves, and carefully to everyone.”

He says the best way to speak words that heal are to:

• Avoid defamatory or negative talk about others.• Avoid listening to hearsay and rumors.• Avoid talking about other people; even kind talk can sometimes be twisted and turn into negative talk.• Avoid telling negative truths. In other words avoid sharing information that will raise your status in the eyes of the person you are speaking with by lowering the status of the person you are speaking of.• Apologize. Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry for the cruel words you’ve said in the past.• Be real. Don’t say kind words and act like a friend in the presence of others and then talk harshly and cruel about them in their absence.• Cool down. While you may want to hash out your feelings right away, it’s best to confront the person who hurt you after you’ve had time to process your anger, calm down, and see the situation in a new light. Otherwise, you may say things you’ll later regret and never be able to take back.• Find a trusted confidante. When you cannot let an issue go, and speaking to the person who has offended you doesn’t work, turning to a confidante is okay. A confidante can be your spouse or a close friend who won’t go around telling others what you’ve said in confidence. He or she understands that you are simply venting and asking for outside help to deal with your feelings and possibly find a solution to the problem.• Avoid nursing injuries in silence. When we keep silent, we tend to take out our hurts on unsuspecting and innocent people.• Stop comparing. Comparisons hurt. They imply a preference for another person which in turn causes others to compete and in the end, causes division by pulling people apart, not bringing them closer together.

He says, “Because we want others to share in our anger, we often fail to describe very precisely the offense committed against us. We exaggerate. Our exaggerations, of which we ourselves might NOT be fully aware, are aimed at provoking others to validate and share our rage”…and hurt.

He goes on to say “quarrels rip families apart and destroy relationships when arguments are taken out of context, and old hurts are brought back into the arguments.”

And he provides us with a Fight Fair formula that basically looks like this:

1. Confront the person who hurt you after you’ve had time to process your anger, calm down, and see the situation in a new light. 2. And when you do confront the person:a. State your caseb. Express your opinion on the situationc. Explain your positiond. Make your feelings cleare. Don’t dredge up past informationf. Listen to the other sideg. Don’t get defensiveh. Don’t use damaging personal information to win your case

In the end, he says, “What others need from us, on an ongoing basis, is to know that they are loved and cared for, that their good deeds inspire gratitude, and that others love them.”

He gives many good examples to help us understand what hurtful words do to children and how children grow up feeling a certain way because of them. In fact, the words used to speak to a child, or around a child, can often impact the types of relationships he or she has throughout his or her life.

If words have caused emotional damage in your life, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Words That Hurt, Words That Heal today.
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While Tatiana went to Brazil to spend the summer with an aunt, Poddar attended therapy with a staff psychologist, Dr. Lawrence Moore. Over the course of the treatment sessions, he indicated violent fantasies towards Tatiana including getting a gun and shooting her (while he never named her in the sessions, she was easily identified). Due to concerns about Poddar, Dr. Moore notified campus police who picked him up but later released him after he promised to stay away from Tatiana. Dr. Moore’s supervisor, Dr. Harvey Powelson, instructed staff to refrain from making further attempts at hospitalizing Poddar. Poddar never returned to therapy and neither Tatiana nor her parents received any warning that Poddar was a potential threat.

In the weeks prior to Tatiana’s return from Brazil, Poddar moved in with her brother who had no idea that he intended any harm to his sister. On October 27, 1969, shortly after her return, Poddar went to her house and stabbed her to death with a kitchen knife. He then called the police and asked to be handcuffed.

Tatiana’s parents filed lawsuits against the campus police, the health service, and the Regents of the University of California for failing to provide proper warning. The first trial was dismissed on the grounds that there was no cause for action as the therapist’s primary responsibility was to the patient rather than a third party. After the Appeals Court supported this decision, the case was taken to the California Supreme Court.

It was in 1974 that the Tarasoff Decision was first handed down. In this landmark decision, the Court ruled that the therapist bears a duty of reasonable care to give threatened persons such warning as to avert foreseeable danger arising from the patient’s mental state. Since this decision now meant that police and mental health professionals were obligated to warn potential victims, the case was reheard by the California Supreme Court in 1976. The revised decision held that, while police could not be held liable, health professionals were obliged to warn potential victims because of the “special relationship between a patient and his doctor or psychotherapist”. In an often-quoted statement by Justice Matthew Tobriner presenting the majority opinion: “”… the confidential character of patient-psychotherapist communications must yield to the extent that disclosure is essential to avert danger to others. The protective privilege ends where the public peril begins.”

Since 1976, the Tarasoff decision has been challenged in numerous legal settings and has been upheld in at least 17 U.S. states (the states of Florida, Texas, South Carolina, and Virginia have rejected the decision). Later decisions have limited the scope of the Tarasoff Decision to only provide a duty to warn identifiable victims, i.e., potential victims who could be readily identified based on information provided by the patient. The Tarasoff has been highly influential in non-U.S. jurisdictions as well (here in Canada, psychotherapists are encouraged to follow the Tarasoff provisions even though it has no formal weight in Canadian law).

As for Prosenjit Poddar, he served four years out of a five-year sentence for manslaughter which was subsequently overturned on a technicality relating to improper jury instructions on diminished capacity. To avoid a new trial, Poddar agreed to return to India. Based on available reports, he is now happily married.
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On top of all that at 40 years old he is the oldest quarterback in the NFL. The oldest player in the NFL is currently Morton Anderson who plays for the Atlanta Falcons. Brett Favre was actually supposed to retire last year when he was playing for the New York Jets. At the time of his so called retirement Brett stated that “There are several things that went into decision but most importantly, the most important thing, was that physically, you know with my shoulder the last half of the year it hampered the way I played,” Favre said. “I’m 39, I had several options [to have surgery] and to let it heal. How that would affect me in terms of playing I had no idea and it wasn’t something I was going to risk.”

So exactly what happened in between the time that he retired from the Jets and the time that he started playing for the Minnesota Vikings? This is actually very hard to say but one thing that I do know is that this happens with all of the greats. When you are the best at something and you have been doing it for all of your life it is definitely hard to walk away from, just ask Michael Jordan. In the case of Brett Favre he obviously has some great years of playing left in him judging from how he’s playing this season. With that said, I say he should continue to play as long as he can put points on the board…
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HAVE SOMEONE ASK YOU ODD QUESTIONS

Odd questions show up at the oddest times–often during job interviews! Whether or not you are preparing for one, you’ll get better and better if you’re willing to practice responding to questions that catch you off guard. Have a friend prepare a list of odd questions (a few follow; avoid looking at them). Then ask that person to ask you a question at least once a week when you’re not prepared for it. Ask for feedback on how well you responded.

What door do you wish you had never opened?
What is an obsession of yours?
If you could relive a single day or moment, what would it be?
What is the most gracious act of kindness you have witnessed?
What is the most bizarre thing you have ever seen?
What would you refuse to eat?
What is the greatest risk you have ever taken?
What is your earliest memory?
What is the most terrifying experience you have ever lived through?
What is your greatest talent?
In four sentences, how would you describe childbirth?
What do you believe you cannot do? Why do you believe that?
What truths have you recently discovered?

HAVE SOMEONE GIVE YOU A QUOTATION

You know the process by now. Don’t study the following list. Or, ask your “helper” to find quotes of his or her own. That person will give you one when you least expect it and you will given your interpretation of the quote. Ask your friend or colleague to provide feedback on how quickly and how well you responded to these verbal prompts.

“A good listener helps us overhear ourselves.” –Yahia Lababidi

If you wish to be loved, show more of your faults than your virtues.” –Edward Bulwer-Lytton

“To freely bloom–that is my definition of success.” –Gerry Spence

“We take our colors, chameleon-like, from each other.” Sebastien de Chamfort

“No man can know where he is going unless he knows exactly where he has been and exactly how he arrived at his present place.” –Maya Angelou

“A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.” –Albert Schweitzer

“Art is known to grow the soul.” –Kurt Vonnegut

“Society is composed of two great classes: those who have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.” –Sebastien de Chamfort,

“Like cars in amusement parks, our direction is often determined through collisions.” –Yahia Lababidi

“Our heads are round so that thoughts can change direction.” –Francis Picabia

“Surely joy is the condition of life.” –Henry David Thoreau

YOU MAY NOT MAKE IT TO CARNEGIE HALL

Practice, practice, practice is, of course, the way to get there. But practice will take you to new heights of verbal accomplishment. Commit to at least five minutes a week with these exercises and log your own assessments of success.
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In order to restore the balance, traditional remedial practices may be needed. For example, excess `hot’ energy can be counterbalanced by cooling herbal teas, and vice versa. These beliefs are deeply ingrained among the Chinese, and have been found to be unchanged following migration to Singapore.

Lee, et. al. (2004), found that patients with specific chronic diseases, namely arthritis, musculoskeletal diseases and stroke, were more likely to use Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). This was strongly determined by the ‘chronic disease triad’, perceived satisfaction with care and cultural health beliefs.

Hence the use of TCM is not associated with the quality of doctor-patient interaction. Astin (1998) also agreed that it was seen as being more compatible with the patients’ values, spiritual and religious philosophy, or beliefs regarding the nature and meaning of health and illness.

In traditional Chinese culture, taking medication is thought to be aversive, hence medications tend to be taken only until symptoms are relieved and then discontinued; if symptoms are not obvious, medications will probably never be taken.

Apart from parental cultural beliefs, minor side effects of certain antibiotics such as stomach upset may contribute to the poor adherence of medication. The use of “leftover”, “shared” antibiotics and over-the-counter purchase of antibiotics by parents are common situations in the community.

They think that their children suffer from the same illnesses judging by the similar symptoms, so they would give the “leftover” or “shared” antibiotics to their children and only bring them to their doctors if there is no improvement (Chang & Tang, 2006). This may cause their conditions to deteriorate and may necessitate aggressive treatments later which may have unnecessary side effects.

However, there are small groups of Chinese who also blamed ill-health or misfortunes on supernatural forces, or on divine retribution, or on the malevolence of a ‘witch’ or ’sorcerer’ (Helman, 1994). Such groups will usually seek cures from their religions.

In Singapore, the Ministry of Health has drawn up the TCM Practitioners’ Ethical Code and Ethical Guidelines to prevent any unscrupulous practitioners from preying on their patients and taking advantage of their beliefs, for example, molesting ignorant patients.

The degree of acculturation has been evidenced in the following case. An old man was brought into our hospital with a week-long history of malaise, nausea and vomiting, and sudden jaundice. He was diagnosed to have an obstructive mass in the liver.

A biopsy revealed hepatocellular carcinoma. The serological test suggested chronic active hepatitis B. When the news broke to his son that his father had cancer, he requested not to disclose that to his father.

When we discussed end of life issues such as hospice care and “do-not-resuscitate” (DNR) orders, the son tried to divert the discussion to other issues such as when his father could go home.

Cultural Issues that may be involved in this case are:

The Chinese tend to protect the elderly from bad news.

Believing in karma – the older folk believe that discussing illnesses or death/dying is bad luck. They think that talking about something bad will cause it to come true.

There is an increased incidence of liver cancer resulting from Hepatitis B due to delayed treatment in the elderly, as it may take a long time for them to accept the initial diagnosis.

Reference:

Astin JA. (1998). Why patients use alternative medicine. J Am Med Assoc 1998; 279: 1548-1553.

Chan, G. C. & Tang, S. F. (2006) Parental knowledge, attitudes and antibiotic use for acute upper respiratory tract infection in children attending a primary healthcare clinic in Malaysia. Singapore Medical Journal, 47(4):266

Helman, C. G. (1990) Culture, Health and Illness. Wright, London.

Quah, S. R. (1985) The Health Belief Model and preventive health behaviour in Singapore. Social Science and Medicine, 21, 351-363.

Lee GBW, Charn TC, Chew ZH and Ng TP. (2004). Complementary and alternative medicine use in patients with chronic diseases in primary care is associated with perceived quality of care and cultural beliefs. Family Practice, 21(6): 654-660.

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